WARNING…… There have been numerous reports of zombie outbreaks throughout the country, the magnitude of which has never before been seen in the United Kingdom. Members of the public have been advised for their own safety to remain in their homes and avoid quick bites to eat as this could prove extremely detrimental to their health. Three course meals are recommended though care should be taken to follow a balanced diet. “A crisis is NO excuse for reckless diets and over eating”, warns the department of health. This statement has been confirmed and endorsed by WHO (World Health Organisation), on advisement of the Prime Minister.
Large groups of zombies have been observed wandering our car parks and supermarkets, in particular those giant food chains who offer BOGOF, two for the price of one and half price offers. Attracted to the huge amount of free food that no sane person could possibly hope to devour on a weekly basis, the walking dead have been observed relentlessly following supermarket trollies in the pursuit of tasty morsels to satisfy their outrageous demands for sustenance.
It would appear that the zombies prefer the late evenings and early mornings to prowl, though this is still to be officially confirmed. A spokesperson for the government declined the opportunity to make a statement when contacted this morning at 9.00 GMT. There have also been several unconfirmed reports that the older zombies have been found sleeping in the afternoons, presumably early morning escapades necessitate the need for regular ‘granny naps’. Any solitary zombie found sleeping after lunch is regarded as fair game and should be captured and imprisoned at any employment office, after the appropriate paperwork has been completed in triplicate.
If you should come across zombie hoards, you are advised NOT to try to capture or outrun the creatures. Do not be fooled by the slow ambling gait evident in the majority of the creatures, it is simply an illusion perpetrated by them in an attempt to fool the living population, lulling them into a false sense of security. In reality the zombies can move at the speed of light, and in the blink of an eye they will overcome the strongest member of the public, sucking their brains out through their ears and feasting on their own toe nails. Please heed these warnings and to ensure the survival of the human race pass this message onto your family and friends.
As a citizen of Great Britain you also have a moral obligation to take responsibility for your older neighbours who will require assistance on a daily basis. The government cannot provide extra funds or safety measures to protect our more vulnerable members of society, that’s where you come in. Visit your neighbours regularly, be observant; How long has the milk sat on the step? Is the mail piling up? Have those curtains been opened this week? All of these observations can indicate if something untoward is happening in your neighbourhood and may highlight when an elderly person may be at risk.
What to do if you bump into one of these incredible creatures on your visit to the Supermarkets you ask. Whatever you do, DON’T, I repeat DON’T look into their eyes. This can prove fatal. In the event you succumb to the zombie influence the only way to break free of the impact of their deadly stare is by rubbing the back of their necks with burgundy boot polish. Though it should be noted that there have been unconfirmed reports that this method of disabling the zombies has failed numerous times. It is thought a more effective method of disabling the marauding undead would be to spray them with Bird’s ready-made custard, aiming for their hair. This won’t kill them, but they will be incensed that you have messed up their hair, they will sit down on the nearest pavement and cry buckets till they have pulled out and eaten all the yellow goo.
Should you look into their eyes they probably won’t physically harm you but it is thought they will follow you home and take up residence in your home. During their waking periods they will eat all the food you have in your cupboards and fridge, they’ll drink all your beer and drain your tap dry leaving you thirsty and starving, and craving flesh!! Should this happen, without delay, visit you nearest butcher who will happily slaughter you a pound of horse meat sausages. Eat one a day for three weeks and hopefully the zombie effect will be eliminated.
The government has also expressed grave concerns over the large numbers applying to the registrar for licenses of matrimony throughout the zombie world. It is feared this increase will result in the birth of new and more complex life forms hitherto unseen by man. There is no telling what the results of these outrageous unions will be and how they will adapt to our way of life. Should you receive an invitation to such a wedding you have been advised the government will frown badly on your attendance and may have you arrested and placed in custody in the nearest bingo hall for a period of up to ten months. It is thought the monotonous banality of the pastime provided will wipe all thought of marriage from even the clearest of minds.
You have been warned!!
No zombies or retired members of our society have been hurt or eaten during the writing of this report. All photographs were taken with permission and individual consent was given for them to be publish in the internet.
Zombies can be purchased from the author, prices and details of individual zombies are available on request.
Please feel free to comment