WARNING……..

WARNING…… There have been numerous reports of zombie outbreaks throughout the country,  the magnitude of which has never before been seen in the United Kingdom. Members of the public have been advised for their own safety to remain in their homes and avoid quick bites to eat as this could prove extremely detrimental to their health. Three course meals are recommended though care should be taken to follow a balanced diet. “A crisis is NO excuse for reckless diets and over eating”, warns the department of health. This statement has been confirmed and endorsed by WHO (World Health Organisation), on advisement of the Prime Minister. 
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Large groups of zombies have been observed wandering our car parks and supermarkets, in particular those giant food chains who offer BOGOF, two for the price of one and half price offers.  Attracted to the huge amount of free food that no sane person could possibly hope to devour on a weekly basis, the walking dead have been observed relentlessly following supermarket trollies in the pursuit of tasty morsels to satisfy their outrageous demands for sustenance.

It would appear that the zombies prefer the late evenings and early mornings  to prowl,  though this is still to be officially confirmed.  A spokesperson for the government declined the opportunity to make a statement when contacted this morning at 9.00 GMT.  There have also been several unconfirmed reports that the older zombies have been found sleeping in the afternoons, presumably early morning escapades necessitate the need for regular ‘granny naps’.  Any solitary zombie found sleeping after lunch is regarded as fair game and should be captured and imprisoned at any employment office, after the appropriate paperwork has been completed in triplicate.

If you should come across zombie hoards, you are advised NOT to try to capture or outrun the creatures.  Do not be fooled by the slow ambling gait evident in the majority of the creatures, it is simply an illusion perpetrated by them in an attempt to fool the living population, lulling them into a false sense of security.  In reality the zombies can move at the speed of light, and in the blink of an eye they will overcome the strongest member of the public, sucking their brains out through their ears and feasting on their own toe nails.  Please heed these warnings and to ensure the survival of the human race pass this message onto your family and friends.  image image

As a citizen of Great Britain you also have a moral obligation to take responsibility for your older neighbours who will require assistance on a daily basis.  The government cannot provide extra funds or safety measures to protect our more vulnerable members of society, that’s where you come in. Visit your neighbours regularly, be observant;  How long has the milk sat on the step?  Is  the mail piling up? Have those curtains been opened this week? All of these observations can indicate if something untoward is happening in your neighbourhood and may highlight when an elderly person may be at risk.

What to do if you bump into one of these incredible creatures on your visit to the Supermarkets you ask.  Whatever you do, DON’T, I repeat DON’T look into their eyes. This can prove fatal.  In the event you succumb to the zombie influence the only way to break free of the impact of their deadly stare  is by rubbing the back of their necks with burgundy boot polish.  Though it should be noted that there have been unconfirmed reports that this method of disabling the zombies  has failed numerous times.  It is thought a more effective method of disabling the marauding  undead would be to spray them with Bird’s ready-made custard, aiming for their hair.  This won’t kill them, but they will be incensed that you have messed up their hair, they will sit down on the nearest pavement and cry buckets till they have pulled out and eaten all the yellow goo.

Should you look into their eyes they probably won’t physically harm you but it is thought they will follow you home and take up residence in your home.  During their waking periods they will eat all the food you have in your cupboards and fridge, they’ll  drink all your beer and drain your tap dry leaving you thirsty and starving,  and craving flesh!! Should this happen,  without delay, visit you nearest butcher who will happily slaughter you a pound of horse meat sausages.  Eat one a day for three weeks and hopefully the zombie effect will be eliminated.

The government has also expressed grave concerns over the large numbers applying to the registrar for licenses of matrimony throughout the zombie world. It is feared this increase will result in the birth of new and more complex life forms hitherto unseen by man. There is no telling what the results of these outrageous unions will be and how they will adapt to our way of life.  Should you receive an invitation to such a wedding you have been advised the government will frown badly on your attendance and may have you arrested and placed in custody in the nearest bingo hall for a period of up to ten months. It is thought the monotonous banality of the pastime provided will wipe all thought of marriage from even the clearest of minds.

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You have been warned!!

No zombies or retired members of our society have been hurt or eaten during the writing of this report. All photographs were taken with permission and individual consent was given for them to be publish in the internet.

Zombies can be purchased from the author, prices and details of individual zombies are available on request.

Please feel free to comment

 

A Major New Parliment Forms in North East.

After a very busy and tiring week I finally found a little time to sit down at my sewing machine. I have been sewing for many months now but not selling anything so the crafts are piling up in the corner of the dining room. I have given away quite a few things but have made little impact on the pile. I’ve been persuaded to have a table at a craft fair next month to see if I can sell some of the things I make so I keep on making in the hope something will eventually sell.

It can be very difficult to decide what to sew. It is something I need to do, it’s helping me to focus so much, it gives me a form of escape from the negative thoughts and nasty memories that I sometimes experience. Sewing also helps me to focus on now and helps to keep my stress levels down. Too much stress for me equals anxiety, anxiety equals panic, panic equals an inability to function with something close to normality. Sewing has always been a therapeutic pastime for me, a good stress reliever and anger outlet. Perhaps instead of dispensing pills and tonics, fabric and thread should be made available on the national health to everybody.

And so yesterday I needed to get down to some sewing again. After discussing it with my sister I decided to try making a an owl doorstop. As with most things I make I draw up my own patterns. A pen a piece of paper and hey presto a pattern for something or other, a few adjustments and Bob’s your Uncle. Only this time the door stop changed into a stuffed owl pretty enough to sit in any teenager’s bedroom.

Then one owl turned into two, then three. My sister happily sat opposite me at what was once regarded as our dining room table, cutting up sheet after sheet of felt, little eyes, little wings, pretty bows whilst I whizzed away on my trusty machine.

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And so was born a ‘Parliament of Owls’. It really tickled me when I realised I’d learned at school many, many years ago that a group of owls was known as a ‘parliament’, and never once in my life had I had a reason to use the word till now. Who says you don’t learn anything useful at school!!

I put some photos of the owls on my Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/WishLadsQuiltsandCrafts and suddenly everyone wants an owl. Well, not everyone, that’s an exaggeration, but two people contacted me with orders. It might not seem a lot but it’s the start I need; it tells me that what I produce is alright, and my designing and sewing skills are fine, it’s just that I have not found the right things to interest people yet. But it’s so easy to allow self-doubt creep in, to allow negativity to overcome positivity.

Not being a seller, it’s difficult to price things too. I don’t want to rob anyone, but it would be nice to make enough money to replace the fabrics I have use.  Then I can carry on making  and others will gain pleasure from what I do.

I suppose just like children we all need the affirmation that what we do is good enough, that it is liked and appreciated, that we’ve done a good job.   I suspect that is also part of why I do what I do. And as long as it doesn’t harm anyone and sewing continues to have a positive effect on me and how I cope with life  then  it’s a very good thing.   Maybe we could all benefit from our own Parliament  of Owls to provide us with the affirmation  people need to live a productive and satisfying life.

A summer’s day…

Being July in Britain, especially here in the north east the weather is very mixed.  But our summers would not be proper British summers without the cold wet days, the dark stormy overcast weekends and our traditional waterlogged bank holidays.

This year we have been spoiled,  the hot sunny days, have outnumbered the cold rainy ones so there have been ample opportunities to spend quality time lazing in the garden.

And I just  love sitting in the sun, reading a book on my Kindle ( much easier on my poor old eyes)  or finishing off the odd bits of hand sewing I need to do. And that is what I’ve been able to do these past two weeks.  I’m sure the heat from the sun helps my stiff fingers move easier, and it certainly makes the time go faster.  The pleasure I get from watching a variety of birds popping for a meal is priceless; such calm and beautiful afternoons away from all the madness of the outside world.  It’s incredible how peaceful my garden is, so difficult to believe we are only a few hundred yards away from two busy main roads and a nearby motorway bustling with vehicles of all description.

Once farm land the houses were apparently built around the then existing trees, so I’m surrounded by a copper beech, several oak trees, numerous apple and plums trees.  But sadly for the first time in over a hundred years there is a space where our elm tree grew until last summer.  Finally succumbing to disease,  sadly the sturdy old tree had to be removed. It was like losing an old friend. Watching it’s demise I had several flecks of sawdust blow into my eyes causing them to water profusely, much to the amusement of the male members of my family.

Last week I looked after my grandson who was poorly.  He’s a little dear who can always make me laugh, as he makes the most silly but often honest comments and observations.  Last week he informed me that I’m not old, aw bless him I thought.  Then he added, ” you’re just very, very old”.

He is always fascinated when I’m sewing and he asked if he could make something. So out came the felt and the thread and my large dressing making shears,  we proceeded to cut out a little felt car.  We both struggled to thread the needle, I couldn’t see and he couldn’t hit the eye of the needle.  A sad pair we turned out to be. But eventually after several attempts we were finally ready to start sewing.

I explained to him about tacking, how it would keep the fabric secure until we had finished sewing the car together. After demonstrating how to tack, he finished off very quickly. And then we started. I thought over-sewing would be most appropriate for him to start with, it’s quick and uncomplicated and is easily unstitched if it goes wrong.

And so we sat together side be side in the sunshine surrounded by nature, the young and not so young sharing quality time together.

Being his first attempt at sewing I expected him to need quite a bit of help. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He handled the needle like a professional, holding it and manoeuvring it exactly as I had shown him. And before I had time to thread my own needle he had reached the corner of his work and was asking for help to move on. Not once did he ask for his sewing to be undo, nor did he complain he had done it wrong, he sat silently, his whole attention and concentration focused on the job at hand.

I reminded him to leave an opening for the stuffing. He started to push the stuffing inside but he struggled for quite a while, refusing help when I offered. Then I realised I’d forgotten to instruct him to remove the tacking stitches. Oops. Nevertheless, he never gave up. His little index finger worked like magic and all the stuffing was eventually inside the little car.

He was so proud of what he had achieved, his little face beamed. The wheels were added quickly so he could go off to play with the car, after we had taken a photo to show his mum. image

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Now there was no stopping this creative little man. Out came the sewing kits for animal puppets his Aunty had bought. Apart from threading the needle and starting him off he managed all the sewing himself. Then together we glued on the features and I had one extremely delighted little grandson.

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