This past week has not been one of my best and I’m glad it’s now settling again. Usually, I know why I have off days but not this time. But it doesn’t really matter if I know or not because somehow I always manage to get through the not so good days. Despite a few tears and disrupted sleep, a few anxiety attacks and eating too many sweets I’m almost back to where I was before.
I used to be a prolific writer, poetry, stories etc; I have filled book after book that have been gathering dust in my spare room for years. I thought by digging some of them out to read, it would help me see how far I have come, highlight the positive changes I have made in my life and allow me to see there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, trite but true.
After reading one of the books tonight I realised how dark and desolate my life once was, how low I had been at times in the past, but also how much more positive and fulfilling my life now is. I was so fearful of everything and everybody around me, to the extent that I cut myself off from all my family and friends for many years.
I would like to share one or two pieces of my work.
Voices calling from the dark
Of the stairway. In the park
Trees and bushes hide the pain
Of a world that’s gone insane.
Voices rising from my bed,
In the darkness fill my head
With sorrow for a world long lost
It’s innocence. Who counts the cost?
Voices drifting through the night
Tell with sadness of the plight
Of a child hurt beyond belief.
A childhood stolen by a thief.
Voices speaking to me in dreams
Of evil plans and wicked schemes.
Once those things were locked up tight,
Hidden away. Hidden from sight.
Voices grieving for the past
Call to me. Recall at last
Things were done and said with love.
A love from hell, not from above.
Voices crying in my head
Remembering what had been said
To a child with hair of gold.
A child so young. A child so old.
Voices reaching up from hell
With tales of woe I know so well
From days long gone. Days of shame
And confusion. Who’s to blame?
Voices screaming every day
Won’t be stilled, want their say.
Voices call to be set free.
Who’s voice is that? That voice is me!
All my childhood was the same
People calling out my name.
Do this! Do that!
Don’t think! Don’t feel!
Life itself appeared unreal.
Join the adults in the game
Lose myself amongst the pain.
No tears. No frowns.
Smile with zeal
At grown ups with hearts of steel.
A woman now, but still the same.
They are calling out my name.
Do this! Do that,
Don’t think! Don’t feel!
It’s certain now, this life is real.
An adult, yet I play the game.
I only have myself to blame.
Tears fall fast
Frowns are real.
This is life. There’s no appeal!